Weird thoughts to wake up with.
You know, The day I realised that one cannot stay all punkboy and still lead a productive (well, or at least non-impoverished) life, I felt that I was about to lose something. I really did, because I knew what my decision was going to be. I cut my hair and stopped wearing eyeliner. I threw out my clothes with the safety pins (though I kept the safety-pins -- for safety), and well, stopper railing uselessly against the world. I started to choose my battles and approach things with an eye towards making things work instead of the typical impotent whitekid anger.
That was easily ten years ago. Yeah, sometimes I miss the feeling of walking down the street with four other Robert Smith lookalikes. I miss the shows with the mods and the punks and the skins, and fuck, even the rockabillies (when they weren't beating the bejesus out of the rest of us). Man, life felt like a ride. I loved the music, I loved the clothes and the practised gothboy stare.
But hell, I wouldn't go back to being that angry and useless for anything, and I know that the gothlings these days just don't get it. Yeah, I 'conformed,' but I still dress only in black -- well, I made a break into the greys a few years ago -- because I just feel better in it. I still like the music. And I still believe in some of the things I used to believe in. I no longer think I'm going to die, because I've decided that I'm going to do my best to live. Yes, I still blame my immediate family for my being born addicted to nicotine and aaallll the associated health crap that I never told them about. But now it's just a wriggle of resentment at the back of my head, not a rage running underneath everything I do. My doctor will keep a secret, and I'm going to live to a ripe old age, dammit. That's what my anger has done: I am one bloody-minded motherfunker. It gets me from here to there. It's going to make me a filmmaker. It's going to make me live.
And the Cure still wrote my all-time favourite song.
||Gods save the Queen,
One last little note... - 09.21.2006
de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006
Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006
More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006
Scary stuff - 05.25.2006
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