2001-06-04 || 9:20 p.m.

I shoulda flipped her the Eliminator...

Monstre,
It's okay to feel like a failure sometimes. I think that maybe that's what keeps people like you and me from sitting on our laurels until they rot out from under our arses. In that, I think it's kind of important to feel that way on occasion, and whether we write it off as PMS-induced mania or plain idiocy, I think that's denigrating what just might be an important part of growing past were we are every day.

That doesn't mean I think we should just accept the feeling, sit back, and decay. It's a kick in the arse that screams in our ears to find a way to learn something again.

**********

J's girlfriend hates me, and isn't even being quiet about it anymore. At my party, she laced into me over how I got the tickets for Turkey, because Bananna offered to sell me two of her precious Air Canada buddy passes (Hey, return trip for $300). To-day, J and I went to meet her, Bananna, and a few of their postgrad English Lit friends as they celebrated the passing of their penultimate exam with a few pints. I sat for a while, talking mostly to Bananna because J's girlfriend rolls her eyes at every second cf-sentence. I remembered that I had party pictures in my bag, incuding one of her and J. I dug about in my bag and gave it to her, saying 'I think you're very pretty in this one, J's Girlfriend.'

She asked if she could have it, and I said yes, pleased that she wasn't snubbing me for once.

She tore it into tiny pieces in front of every one, then dropped them into her empty pint glass.

I smiled at everyone, made some sort of flippant comment, excused myself from the table, and came home crestfallen.

I got my new lens to-day. I was pretty excited about it, but I feel a bit hollow now. I don't think I've ever seen anyone tear up something I've made before. At least, not in front of me and a table full of their peers. I didn't say anything to Best Friend when I got home because he's protective of me and would hate her. I won't say anything to Bananna because they are friends. Sister and her are already sworn enemies, as are she and Monstre. I really don't want to add anything onto that. I guess it's good that I have you.

Sometimes, I skip the M�tro and walk home from work; just to think a bit or come down off the day so I don't snap someone's spine out of sheer stress and a certain Gemini tendency towards mood swings. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in some unpublished Margaret Lawrence novel or an existentialist play.

Sometimes I feel nothing at all.

To-morrow night is poetry with NMB and Bananna. To-night, I feel lonely and a little sad, and I guess I'm a bit ashamed r something. Maybe I shouldn't feel anything about something so small.



||Gods save the Queen,
||cf

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older shite

One last little note... - 09.21.2006

de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006

Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006

More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006

Scary stuff - 05.25.2006

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