2000-05-17 || 01:54:14

A very public private apology.

Damn it. It's way past 1.30am, and I've got to work in the morning but I haven't been sleeping well ever since the shite hit the fan over this diary. I just have a few things to say, and then I hope I can sleep.

The fact is, I deserved the hell I got and the negative feelings that are going around cf land right now. I crossed the line with some of the things I said about someone. I was needlessly cruel, and in retrospect, pretty fucking humiliating to that person. The injured party didn't deserve what I said, no matter how pissed or resentful I was at the time.

Some of you out there know that I never read my posts before hitting the 'post' button. I know now that I definitely should have. I said things earlier on in this dairy that were the product of some very fundamental anger towards someone, anger that I haven't felkt in a long time. It was the product of an utter lack of communication, and could have been avoided. I'm glad that the person in question found this diary now as opposed to back then. back then I would have said 'fuck off' and gone on with my life, no matter what. Not for any reason other than that I would have gotten all defensive (which never makes me say intelligent things), and made things worse.

Marn said in an e-mail recently that she thinks I'm one of the good guys. The only reply I could make, the way I'm feeling right now, was to re-iterate my belief that you're only as good as your worstest deed. Right now, I'm a fricking bastard. I'm trying to make up for it now, I guess. I'm considering this to be a public apology, even though I don't think that the affected person is interested in reading my pages any more than the day it took for him/her to discover the trash talking that I was doing.

I spoke to that person on the phone to try and say sorry. They're still very hurt, though. I think that's the worst part. Anger, I can live with. Tell me I've pissed you off and I'll laugh in your face. Tell me I've hurt your feelings and I can't take it. I don't know what the difference is, really, but hurt just seems so much more powerful to me.

The one entry I kept from the old diary was the one where I was talking about Marn's question of whether these diaries were private or public. That's because I spent a lot of time thinking about that subject.

A lot of time.

I've come to the conclusion that though I do not think we should feel that we have to censor our writings here, I do think that there is a certain human respect, eh ?

I have gotten a kajillion supportive e-mails since going off the air, and they have helped me sort out the shite I needed to get through before I could start posting again. For many of you, I answered with the fairly kurt : 'Got in big trouble. Gotta work it out', when in reality I should have said 'thanks for your concern, it's helping a lot.'

To Marn, I'd like to say that, even though I don't feel like one of the good guys right now, I'm trying.

And to the person I humiliated in those early pages, I can only say that whether or not things can get patched up, or we can ever be friends again, I'm really, desperately sorry.

I just checked my guestbook. I think I'm in love with all of you. I also want to say that Q has written as good a Diarylanders' manifesto as I've ever seen. Print it out and paper the cities with it. Except the Mein Kampf bit. I'm a bit allergic to anything of the sort...

||Gods save the Queen,

back || forth

older shite

One last little note... - 09.21.2006

de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006

Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006

More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006

Scary stuff - 05.25.2006

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