A note ot Marn
This entry is dedicated to Marn because she asked a question that I've been wondering about lately. I also wonder if we're alone in this. If anyone wants to add their two cents worth, please do.
Thanks, Marn, for signing my guestbook. I'm glad to hear that someone out there's wondering the same thing, and I know you won't be mad that I'm answering you in such a public fashion beause, well, I need more space than that li'l white guestbook box would allow.
The fact is, I don't know whether your husband or Bianca have the right to know what we say about them. I don't even know if 'right' is a good word. I mean, the diaries are public, even in their twisted anonymity-that-lends-privacy style. Thus, they have every *right* to see the pages, so I guess the real question is are we wrong for not neccessarily wanting them to read them ?
No, I don't want Bianca knowing what I write about her.
I don't write anything disrespectful about her, of course, and I'm not saying anything that would harm things, but if she read this diary, I would feel that I can no longer update with the sense of freedom I currently enjoy here. There *are* people who know me reading this(Hi Dad!), but that's because they live far away or never hear from me. They know that I still live through my Journal. But I'm not willing to give up the freedom and the intimacy that this secret gives me.
when you asked if directing your husband to the Marn diary meant you could no longer write things you don't want him to read about, I instantly thought 'yes' because I think that people are less logical than they think. No matter how 'yours' the diary is, showing it to your husband would add a certain permission factor into the mix, in that you would suddenly be censoring your writing to not offend him. I don't mean on purpose, of course...
But the weird thing here is that not telling him adds a fugitive flavour to the diary : You're married. Three decades worth. You have a secret that a zillion people know about but that he doesn't. That sort of thing never keeps me up nights, and in fact I think it gives the diary a fun little edge that I enjoy immensely. I have to update on the sly. Agent CF-188 on covert update operations, here. Call me double-oh-my !
But I don't really know if we all spew our most intimate details here either. I don't think I'm brave enough to say some things that pertain to Bianca and intimacy.
Don't get me wrong, I consider making love to her to be an almost holy experience. It's way beyond mere sex (which I think is neatly shown by the fact that we now talk about 'making love' as opposed to 'fucking'), much as that has taken me by surprise. I love everything about her body, how she moves, the sounds she makes and all the other million intimate little details that make up a really good, dirty story, but the real intimacy ? I talk about the sex because I'm not brave enough to say the beautiful things.
Last night , I held her in the bath for over an hour and we just talked of whatever drifted into our heads. I have the image of her skin glistening wetly in the light of the candle, right behind my eyes. I close them to see it better. Often.
That's what I consider to be the real intimacy. That is what will make me, for the first time, probably take down one of my entries upon re-reading it. That's what I'm embarrassed to have shared with you. Those are the truly private feelings which I don't even like admiting to me, let alone everyone who reads this page.
And I do think that these private spaces are important, especially when you're close with someone. It can be easy to lose yourself in them sometimes, and you need a place to assert yourself, and only yourself. Where the thoughts, opinions, bullshite, or whatever else gets laid down are only yours. Don't fret about letting your husband read these pages, and I won't worry about Bianca. It's our space, not theirs.
I will do my damndest not to tear this entry out of my diary.
||Gods save the Queen,
One last little note... - 09.21.2006
de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006
Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006
More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006
Scary stuff - 05.25.2006
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