09.20.2005 || 03h21

Okay, it's settled. No more name changes...

Okay, first off, a little housecleaning: Sprog baby, you should either shut up or go take a poo because your arse has backed up to your mouth and it's making you come off as a real shithead. I never said that I was driven to suicide because of my ex, that was her talking; so you should really calm down. Also, I've rarely been accused of having a huge ego, and whereas I thank you for trying so hard, the fact is that it takes a mind twisted by hubris to reach out across cyberspace and make a whole bunch of bombastic statements about someone's diary -- and expect those statements not to be discarded out of hand as being the ravings of someone who desperately needs to get laid. I'm sorry you're so angry, but grow up: This is where I write about *me* because that's what a diary *is.* I was exploring the whole dumping issue because it was something I was discussing with my shrink as being a possible trap into which I have allowed myself to fall. That's where it came from, and your wild hypotheses about why I'd write such tripe here in my own corner of the net are nothing short of dumb.

And at the end of the day, I am in therapy to face all this stuff, *all* of it, not just the stuff about when I was young, but where some of that got me, like maybe always going for a girl I know somewhow that I'll dump. Who knows? I sure don't, but I'm finding out. That's the point from which I still sometimes write about Mystie, whereas she wrote off my concern (at the time) as just projecting on my part, and her writings about me have shown the same blindness. that's the difference that Monstre understands and you are too stupid to see. You may read my page as often as you want because that's the nature of this medium. You may feel all the pointless anger you want as well because that's just who you are; but pretending to know enough to make the ignorant and vitriolic comments with which you're staining my guest-book is just stupid.

Okay, and now on to something more important...

So okay, the geographical goof in terms of the bird's name is apparently too embarrassing, so we're calling the little guy 'Mango' because he's coloured like one. The cats have been quite good about not trying to eat him -- especially since I soaked the little bandits with my water spritzer for trying. he woke me up early this morning with a single 'cheep,' but aside from that, he's pretty quiet; munching on seeds and the broccoli I've put in his cage and batting a bit at the toys we hung for him.

You know, though I had a couple of budgies when I was 16 or so, I've never been a bird person. Hell, I never even liked the budgies. I'm a very different person nowadays, though: I really *look* at the things around me, and this has changed the way I interact with my environment. For instance, I find fish fascinating because they live in a context of space, whereas everything that lives outside of water lives on surfaces, whether it flies or not. I love to look at them because they're covered with scales that fit together in a pattern, or because of the shine of their flesh. I love to look closely at my cats because I find it amazing that each hair is coloured in such a way that together they make patterns. I'm looking closely at Mango as well, and seeing the stunning beauty of his feathers and the sweep of one colour into the other. It's amazing to look at this tiny body and know that it's alive, to watch it swell and shrink as he breathes and know that he's more than just a toy or a machine. Apparently these things have the IQ or whatever or a three-year-old, so Mango will eventually not panic every time I reach into the cage to pet him or give him new food. I hope so, because I have to admit to a certain penchant for feeling my heart break every time something small and cute gets scared.

||Gods save the Queen,

back || forth

older shite

One last little note... - 09.21.2006

de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006

Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006

More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006

Scary stuff - 05.25.2006

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