10.21.2003 || 11h58

Ugh. Too many thoughts for one mind

You know, I spend a lot of my time thinking. I mean it. Lots. More than once, Best Friend has grabbed hold of my backpack or collar to keep me from stepping out into oncoming traffic because I've become intrigued by some conversation or other. This sort of obliviousness has gotten me hit (thankfully not seriously) hit by three cars and one bus.

I was almost hit by a train once, but that's a different story altogether.

I'm thinking a lot these days about how nothing we say here is really secret. I mean, if you write your thoughts in a little notebook, there's a tacit understanding that they're no one's property but yours. Hell, I won't even *touch* one of Mystie's notebooks unless it's really in the way. I don't open other people's things like that. I like to think that most people are the same, so I tend to be careless with leaving my own little writings about.

The same cannot be said of sites like this one. Here, we really can't forbid people from reading us because everytime we hit the 'send' button, our thoughts become part of the huge, anonymous font of questionable knowledge that is the Internet. We almost don't have the right to tell someone not to read us, because by definition, we're talking about people behind their back here, and that's an extremely legitimate point.

Because let's face it: that's what we're doing.

I'm also thinking a lot about family these days. I'm thinking about how my mother is making life miserable for the two girls renting rooms at her house, and how she has no right to do it. I'm thinking about how little I like Maman these days, and how bitter and crazy she's becoming. I don't want to be around her anymore, not so she can yell and rant at how spoiled or whatever my girlfriend is, or how inappropriately my cousin dresses. I've already said here that Maman and Mystie are the same in that they'll both build up little stores of resentment, then talk some pretty dismal shit about you behind your back, and I'm getting tired of it. I'm tired of the way those two deal with shite, and it's starting to wreck my feelings about both of them.

The difference is that Mystie's not becoming a bitter old lady with a creepy (I hope) boyfriend. Mystie doesn't yell inanities at her tenants when she's fighting with said boyfriend, and I don't think she'd do so even if she *had* tenants.

And right now I'm feeling ambivalent at best about my remaining family because they went off to spend thanksgiving with a bunch of extended family members they've talked pretty badly about before, and I'm tired of the typical familial politics that make liars out of them all. I guess I now know where Maman got it from, but watching Sister become part of it is just depressing. I'll never fit in with them. I go to family functions only when I can't avoid it because the forced laughter and the fucking shiny veneer they've laid over the unspeakable failures they laid on us so long ago makes me sick. Now there are excuses: someone's kids want to see someone else's. Hey, it's a wedding. It's a funeral. It's an engagement party at the legion where you're expected to bring gifts. It's always about gifts with these people. I've heard both Maman and Sister complain about how crass the rest are, and now they're both right back in there.

I guess it's my own fault. I don't have a built-in mother instinct that draws me towards collections of children. I laid all my familial love on the only two family members who I remotely care about. And, knowing how our little family rituals are the pillars upon which I balance my feelings, they went away for thanksgiving.

||Gods save the Queen,

back || forth

older shite

One last little note... - 09.21.2006

de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006

Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006

More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006

Scary stuff - 05.25.2006

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