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11.13.2002 || 01h35 A few thoughts about my life Which reminds me: I was telling to the luscious Donuts about how my life has been developing since last February. From being a disgruntled, out-of-work tech worker, I have begun to study acting, been in a play and a short movie, directed a play, and performed in three showcases. A year ago, even simply doing an audition would have reduced me to a quivering wreck. I have also taken up writing again and have entered fiction contests, not to mention the fact that I'm doing music again. I finally live in the same city as the best damned girl I've met in a long, long time. If I were making enough money to pay my bills, I'd be the happiest dude around. It's amazing how much shadow can be thrown by one thing. One stupid thing. ********** Diving back into philosophy seems to be giving the sweetums some reminiscence pills, seemingly pertaining to the last time she was studying philo. I guess I understand her thoughts about her exes. I sometimes have them too, but without the 'what if' that she always seems to have floating at the back of her sentences. I wonder how C--, the Chilean fireball to whom I was once engaged, is doing with her husband and baby, and I wonder if she ever thinks about me, or has written me off as a mistake. There are a few things I would say sorry for. I sometimes think about ExLover, the sexiest woman with the rarest smile I will ever touch, wanton in an epic way; we explored more, wilder sex than I will ever even hint at with Mystie. She blew my mind even as she re-built it as an organ of dirt and lust, but that just wasn't enough for me. She tried to love, but she was more damaged than I was; and in the end we couldn't save one another. She went to a dark place when we broke up. I wonder if she's okay these days. I can only hope. J--, who left her boyfriend for me, though I had no idea she was even interested. I think she was enchanted by the idea of being a muse: she wanted me to become a famous writer and write her poems. She later left me for a musician whose band has since fallen into obscurity. Hell, so have I so I guess it's all good. I wonder if she's built herself a life or if she's still chasing fame vicariously. I dunno, I don't think or care about all of my exes. It embarrasses me to think of how many girls I've been with in my life. I don't think it reflects well on me at all. I spent my C�gep years chasing girls because at C�gep it's just the thing to do; 12,000 17-to-20-year-olds just out of high school and spending the requisite couple of years of college before going off to University. In Qu�bec, we get the typical stupid 'college' stuff out of the way before we start throwing thousands of dollars at one university or another. Hence, C�gep students change programmes at the drop of a hint, and waste their minds and lives in drugs and sexual escapades while their classes are still free. I think it makes for less promiscuous university students -- generally. It did for me. I don't think about the people with whom I've shared my life all that often, and I never want them back, but I tend to hope they're living happily, no matter how badly things ended. And as for wondering if they ever think about me, I know that's ego. I still think it, but I know from whence it comes, and that makes a difference. ********** I guess I should to bed. I have to be up mondo early to-morrow to put out the recycling and go to the school to drop off some stuff. Good-night, all. |
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shite One last little note... - 09.21.2006 de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006 Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006 More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006 Scary stuff - 05.25.2006
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