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10.27.2002 || 22h10 Tired as hell God, I'm tired of so much these days, and it's really making me unpleasant. To-day, Mystie got indignant when Marv and I disagreed with her assertation that mashed potatoes and peas constituted a meal. I sort of rudely said that, whereas that might constitute a vegetarian meal in the midwest, here in civilisation we have access to actual food. Okay, so that was bitchy, especially as I hate to argue or snipe in front of people, but I'd already been driven half bats from our lunch date with Monstre and Mr Pyke (I must admit that I was less than pleasant at times. Sorry, I'm just no good at groups anymore), and I knew that the entire walk home would consist of the same senseless witticisms and pretentious complaining that always happens whenever more than two people I know get together these days. I tend to drop off the planet when I've had enough, but I think I need to get honest. I mean, these are my *friends,* fer fuksakes. They deserve to actually know what's going on inside me, right? Shite, I feel like I'm lying to them these days, and it's just because I've been trying to stay quiet and not be unpleasant. I'm failing at that in a big way. Fuck, I'm tired of so fucking much. I don't want to constantly look around the house for the salt because someone's left it in front of the TV or their computer, I'm tired of the kitchen sink being full of dishes that dripped dry two days earlier, I'm resentful as hell about having to pay for a land line when my cellphone costs less, just because the others need a long-distance plan. I'm not interested in Mystie's constant complaining and negative views on *everything,* and for the gods' sakes, I'm tired of not giving her the benefit of the doubt when she really needs it. I'm tired of being an overbearing schmuck, and I'm no longer enamoured with the idea of trying to survive on the pittance I get at my job, and of talking big and doing nothing. So I've actually started doing something. There are a few things about which I've started bringing up with Mystie, and something about which I've decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, though it seems pretty questionable. I also decided to stop talking about playing music and actually plan to do it. We're starting next week. Oh, and I'm also going to bite the bullet and cancel my cellphone, even though it's my only actual phone number. I'll just start yelling at people to get off the line if I've waited more than five or ten minutes. I'm going to start sending out my CV again because I need to bring some more money in here. Mystie's been helping out as much as she can, paying for supper or a movie or cat food every now and again. I want to take *her* out on occasion, buy her something nice or whimsical, even just to show her that I know about how generous she is. And I'd like to surprise her because the smile I get when I catch her off-guard and when her damned cynicism has slipped, her eyes are absolutely heartbraking. And I also think that one day, I'll try to stay in bed as long as she wants us to. I really feel that I haven't been showing her how much I love and appreciate her lately. I've just been so busy being stressed. And maybe that's the point at the bottom of my problem. I'm just to damned busy being stressed. |
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shite One last little note... - 09.21.2006 de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006 Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006 More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006 Scary stuff - 05.25.2006
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