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2001-07-06 || 1:15 a.m. stuff, stuff, stuff... ********** Got home to-night to find that the film crew was till here, still filming, still tromping about the place with their boots on and getting dust everywhere. J- ruined a take because his cellphone rang in the middle of it :-) Oh well, It was great to be around a film crew again. I poured stage blood all over an actress, then stood out on the front porch as they shot the scene. And stood... And stood... Every second of film equals about a dozen years in realtime. Trust me on this one... ********** I kind of regret yesterday's entry, I think. I didn't expect the responses I got, and I'm not sure how to handle them. I believe them, but I'm just not used to hearing stuff like that. When you're used to nothing but denigration and name-calling, you don't know how to take a compliment. My first instinct is always to believe that a compliment is actually flattery. I can laugh off being called ugly once, twice, four times just because its what I'm used to. I'm getting better, though. Nowadays I stop the impulse to disbelieve a compliment and I say 'thank you' or blush a bit because it still embarasses me. Someone told me that the blush was cute. I guess that someone doesn't like her men too masculine ;-) But thank you everyone for the nice posts and e-mails. I will think on your words. A lot. I was conversing about via e-mails with someone (whose privacy I absolutely respect, and who shall thus remain anonymous), and she took me to task about the fact that I hate my face. She made a lot of sense, logically, but things like that don't follow logic. They follow events, sometimes world-stopping events, sometimes troubles that never let go. unless you pry their fingers open yourself. I am prying with all my might, and I'm getting there. I'll still jump if I catch my reflexion unexpectedly, but if I look into a mirror on purpose, my skin doesn't crawl anymore. I know that my eyes don't reflect the same ice and rage as do those of the uncle that ruined us kids so long ago. I also know that we share nothing other than our blood and our faces, I just wish I could accept the logic in that and get on with my life. Or accept the fact that there's a *phenominal* yankee girl who thinks I'm kinda cute (though her taste in boys seems questionable ;-) and give myself a break. It's taking too long this way, with all the prying and sheer bloody-mindedness on my part. Oh well, I guess it's better than nothing, right? Jaysis, how's all that for a tangent, eh? |
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shite One last little note... - 09.21.2006 de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006 Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006 More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006 Scary stuff - 05.25.2006
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