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2001-06-10 || 12:10 p.m. Note to me (by proxy) I don't want you to worry about me, no matter what you may read here over the next few months. I don't know what I'm going to write here; maybe nothing of any value or consequence; maybe love notes, maybe hate mail, maybe just more of my senseless little thoughts. I do know that I will continue the voyage that I started in January with my leaving a beautiful young woman weeping in her doorway, her shoulders finally slumped for the first time since I'd met her. The woman I still consider accidentally dumped, at least consciously. But I also know that no matter how sexy, sexually acrobatic, and fun a woman she was, she was rapidly developing along a different path than I was. Things are getting better for me every day. I know that I'm changing because I've recently made love for the first time since ExLover, and I felt awkward and unpractised, yes, but *definitely* not dirty. Instead, I actually felt warmth or tenderness or something similar towards someone. And for me, it usually takes a year after something serious before I feel I can touch again. As you know me, you know this to be true. I have also had a bit of a detente with both of the former roommates I told B about your impending mummyhood, he wishes you well, by the way. B and I smoothed a few things out that were really getting in the way, even after the time that has passed. I know I'm so very different than when you first met me, and to be honest, I don't know where this whole thing is taking me. It may be a disaster. It may save my life somehow; I know that I was so tired of who I was that I sometimes honestly didn't think I was going to make it.. I don't know, maybe I still won't, but that seems a pretty distant possibility right now. I wish I had time to sit with you one night and chat like we used to. I really do. I know that it's just not the way our lives work anymore, it's not the way Toronto and Montr�al are positioned. And somewhere, you grew up beyond where I am, got serious with someone, built a life with him, and are suddenly procreating. I will probably not think of someone *that* seriously for a long, long time. I think I owe it to myself. I realise that I owe myself so much. And maybe I'm using you right now. Writing you this note because I could never write it to anyone else, even though this is my own damned page. I may also speak a lot here about change and what it does to people over the next little while. You may get tired of hearing about it, but please be patient. I discover new things, and I will tell this page because I have no where else to let out the things I'm seeing and thinking now. I ask myself some hard-arsed questions these days, and sometimes I hate my answers. But I hate less and less of them every day. |
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shite One last little note... - 09.21.2006 de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006 Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006 More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006 Scary stuff - 05.25.2006
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