2001-03-24 || 11:45 a.m.

A retraction of the last post

You know, Marn's entry in my guestbook just reminded me of something I hadn't thought of when I was typing out the rediculous tripe that was my previous entry: When I was in University, I took a class of love through history, or historical love stories or something. Therein, we learned that the idea of Courtly Love was a construct that arose during the heyday of the minstrels and the Crusades, and how,if you look back, 'love' stories and songs before that were about comradeship and how a man loved his sword (no jokes please). Women were not mentioned as objects of love at all.

Perhaps in some things, the Age of Reason and the Age of Faith have reversed roles. For an artificial construct (albeit one that has, over the centuries, become ingrained in our collective culture), love is a pretty powerful drug.

Marn also reminded me of the difference between the initial romantic love with all it slings and arrows, and the more sedentary love that develops after the first year, the kind where one person is comfortable enough with the other to fart in their presence or leave toenail clippings in the ashtray without fear of being left in disgust.

Therein lies my quandary. I don't want the second kind. I wouldn't, at this point, be good at it. I love the whole process that leads up to the initial burst of love and the gratuitous sexual athletics that go with it, the discovery, the whole process by which you learn about one another. I love the first time I introduce someone to my family or friends as my 'girlfriend,' and get a private little quiver of wonder at how *I* could get someone like *that.*

And I am addicted to the ten minutes *before* the first kiss, where some stupid enzyme somewhere makes you think 'okay, she's letting me put my arm around her/dancing really close/grinding her pelvis against mine, but what if she just likes me as a *friend?*'

I like the newness of it.

The later part, the comfort, the inside jokes that come from experiences together, and all the stuff that really is the best part is what I don't think I could take any more, though I have been there and liked it at the time. The problem is that I have become increasingly frustrated with the lack of newness in my life. I'm bored, and wanting to cut ties and run for the nearest boat to godknowswhere. With that kind of mindset, how could I tie myself down even more?

Ford, honey, though male hearts across the Dominion and beyond will break over your plans, allow me to congratulate you. I'm standing in utter, speechless awe at the courage and love that it will take, and that I know you have.

And, at the end of it all, what marn has done is make me think that there was more happening in my head, the night I left that wonderful girl, than I realised. Maybe I'm not such a great guy, maybe I am. Maybe I just have to go away for a while and screw my head back on.



||Gods save the Queen,
||cf

back || forth

older shite

One last little note... - 09.21.2006

de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006

Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006

More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006

Scary stuff - 05.25.2006

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