2001-01-27 || 1.19a

Post pub thoughts

I am sooo lame sometimes. Really. I'm tired of my stupid little life and the mess I have created, yet I'm too damned chicken or lazy or something to change it. I sit and dream of writing blockbusters or bestsellers or even just honest-to-goodness books, yet I'm still typing out business plans and sales brochures for the triple-damned tech industry. I want to be a terrific fiddler, but I don't make the time to practise. I want to love someone with all my heart and have them love me selflessly, but I keep messing it up.

I will change this time: To-day, I spent my money where it should be spent (new glasses), instead of where I'd like to; I have plans to re-invent my self starting in spring. But I have to ask whether I'm just putting it off because I'm too terrified to take fucking charge.

I have earned this position, I have worked hard for it, unwittingly, through my own stupidity. I have ruined myself financially, I have ruined myself in love, in my soul, and in every other part of me. I am out of shape, boring, and alone; I know I could be other.

I have been other.

I know how my past has coloured my character, and I hate many people for it, but I just *can't* hide behind that for-ever. There are choices to be made, efforts to extend in order not to waste away or commit suicide.

I have failed at some of those efforts, though I worked so hard to rise above the poverty, the rapist uncle, and my ugly ghetto life.

I want things to change. I cannot see myself as a passionless cog in someone else's personal enrichment machine for-ever. I cannot see myself trapped in the same cycle of seeking out the sexiest and most needy women I can find just to fulfill some twisted parenting instinct or meddlesome aspect of my character.

I will photograph my way through Africa.

I will look in a mirror and not loathe what I see with every fibre in me.

I will finish the two novels and three films I have started writing.

I will stop second-guessing myself.

I will love myself, somehow, someday.

I will love you right after that.



||Gods save the Queen,
||cf

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older shite

One last little note... - 09.21.2006

de-stressing, biking and terrorism - 06.06.2006

Mildly stressed... - 05.29.2006

More crime stupidity - 05.28.2006

Scary stuff - 05.25.2006

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